http://www.thefertilityadvocate.com/wpblog/?p=2694
**flashback** I am sitting on the sofa. Drinking red wine. Very tipsy. The meditation CDs are in my bedside drawer. Tiny red lanterns on each side of the headboard. A picture of a baby in a metal frame in my child corner, along with a onesie and a figurine of an elephant with its trunk facing downward. I am playing the DVD of The Secret for the umpteenth time because I am about to start my (da-DUM) second IVF cycle. I sip my wine and begin to weep as I watch, because "Ah know, like Ah know, like Ah KNOW" this time it's going to work.
WTF ever.
I've had a lot of amazing things happen to me in my life because I believed they were possible. They also all happened to be in my control, unlike the genetic makeup of the few eggs remaining in my aging ovaries.
This shite works for people who have never really had to face anything truly, deeply disappointing. They need a little mental feel-good to keep themselves going until it works out, because it will, because they are in the vast majority of people for whom it will work eventually if they just tough it out long enough.
My therapist said to me the other day that only true grown-ups can admit that sometimes you just aren't going to get what you want. We pretty much agreed that we live in an entire world of children.
Thing is, children have their own internal logic. Kind of like when I was seven and fought tooth and nail with a classmate who told me there was no Santa Claus. He said he'd *seen* his parents filling the stockings. I told him that was because his parents knew he'd been bad and wasn't going to get anything from Santa, so they felt sorry for him and filled it themselves. I was absolutely POSITIVE I was right. You just can't argue with these people.
Incidentally, here's the actual definition of "magical thinking" (referenced in the title of her post), courtesy of NYU/Langone Medical Center's "Mental Health Dictionary":
Belief that thinking equates with doing. Occurs in dreams of children or primitive people. Characterized by lack of reasonable relationship between cause and effect.
Interesting that her post seems all positive thinking and sunshine and roses but then when she is called on it she states that wasn't her intent. Also interesting though is your therapists statement that only grown ups can admit that you may not get what you want. To me that is true. Thinking positive is great but there also needs to be an adult aspect to it that sometimes wanting something enough or working hard for something isn't enough.
ReplyDeleteI like your therapist's statement "that only true grown-ups can admit that sometimes you just aren't going to get what you want."
ReplyDeleteAnd what is it that we aren't allowed to be angry or distraught? What IS that? People comment less on my blog - even during ICLW - when I'm angry, and I get these emails from people wanting to tell me that it will happen for me, cheer up, it will happen. Whatever.
ReplyDeleteAll around the blogosphere you hear about "hope" as the primary motivator for continuing treatments, and honestly? To me that is just magical thinking at this point. I am at the point where I'm so angry and bitter and distraught that I could throttle the next person who DARES to speak to me of positive thinking, but you know what? I'm going to see fertility treatments to the end of my insurance coverage. And you know why? You know what is motivating me? The knowledge that I can. I have the financial ability to keep trying, and so I will. And I am going to get therapy, to make sure I have the emotional ability to continue, too.
And funny how you never read "think positive and you'll get pregnant" from someone who has gone through multiple IVFs and ended up childless. It's ALWAYS someone who has come out the other side with children. I may still end up with a child, but I find that incredibly offensive.
I did love the comments to her post, though. So glad people spoke up.
"Magical" thinking is stupid and sucks. I can't stand people who belive that shite. What we are going through is OUT of our control- it's medical and we can't do a damn thing about it. I'm with you on this one....
ReplyDeleteLove,
Sunshine