Back to Work

Well, 2010 is about to begin in earnest. I head back to work tomorrow after being gone for - geez, I don't even know how long. I'm feeling a little - OK, a lot - nervous about the whole corporate chess thing. I have to meet my potential new client, decide if I even want a new client, decide how to get myself connected to the right people in the right ways, all while doing a job I don't really feel very confident about. I mean, I'm a good designer. But in order to advance you have to move on from designing into managing - time, people, etc. - and that's not something I enjoy or am particularly good at.

It's back to work on the adoption front, too. The home study is done, just waiting for the notarized copy to arrive to call myself truly paper pregnant. But my agency hasn't sent me a situation since the beginning of October, and all my networking efforts have turned up zilch so far (even the hits to my website are just from friends). So I'm despairing of ever finding a match. Thinking of running some Facebook ads, which I can target by state and age. But the waiting seems freaking endless.

I actually emailed the clinic with the donor embryo program tonight, just to find out how hard it would be to get back on their waiting list. It's totally anonymous donation, which is why I passed on that option initially. The reality now, though, is that I'd accept a closed adoption, so a closed donation really isn't much different, plus I'd be able to control the prenatal care. I guess the difference is that I'd be *deliberately* bringing a child into the world, knowing they would be deprived of their genetic heritage. It'd be a lot easier to explain to my pro-life relatives, though - I could just say I'm "adopting" an embryo, and leave it at that.

In all honesty I'm feeling pretty down and tired out at the moment. I can't believe how difficult this journey has been, or that is isn't even close to over yet. Here I sit, 43 and still struggling with the same shit - food, relationships, depression, work apathy, blah, blah - and no closer to being a mom than I was at 38. Trying really hard to think of it as the journey of life, but I sure wish there'd be some real progress somewhere, instead of this everlasting slog.