Holy Schmoo. It's my blogoversary.
It's a little bit astounding to me how much can happen in a year. Personally, the past year seems like a lifetime to me. I've believed, insisted, been refused, given up, looked for a different door... and seen people I love both succeed and fail.
Someone who matters to me - a lot - is dying. Literally. And way, way too young. This has been true for a while, but has only become real to me in the last few weeks. It sucks beyond words. For her. For everyone who loves her, including me. And, frankly, for the world, which will be very much worse off without her. It is hard as hell to imagine losing her. And hard as hell, honestly, to figure out how to deal with it. Not emotionally - that's easy, you cry. You rage, you wail. But literally. Concretely. How do you say goodbye - really, truly, goodbye - to someone? How do you do it in a way that honors both you and the person you're losing? And how do you do it in a way that doesn't make things harder for the person who has to leave?
The sense of unfairness - of absolutely everything - is really present for me right now. A year ago this person wasn't dying - or at least I didn't know about it. A year ago I still thought I could pass my genes on to a baby, live in a sense immortally because I had created someone from my body. But now she is dying, and now there will be no genetic transmission of me. Ever. The End, for both of us.
Although I have to say I think she's got the crap end of the deal. I've lost genetics, but at least I have other options. Puts things in perspective, eh?
Wish I could post a happy happy blogoversary post. But that's what I got, so I'm telling the truth. No matter how much it sucks.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
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I'm so sorry about your friend. And yes while it does put things in perspective a bit it still doesn't make it not suck that things haven't happened the way you had planned or hoped.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
I'm so sorry about your friend as well. I've lost two friends since last February, and it sucks. I hear you on all of it, especially the unfairness of it all. I didn't get to say goodbye to either of them, and for me that's what still hurts the most. I am so sorry you're having to go through this, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what to say. I read a post like this and it smacks my self-pitying ass back into reality. But this post is sooo not about me and I don't want my comment to be all about me either.
ReplyDeleteI wish life was fair. I wish the lessons we had to learn were gentler.
Hoping that your friend's remaining time is filled with peace and joy. Hoping that the memories you create with her during her remaining time are beautiful and sustain you. And hoping that this all balances in the end, somehow.
Damn. I'm sorry this has to be so hard.
I'm so sorry about your friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about all of it.
I am so sorry for your friend.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are feeling like you are ending too.
~hugs~
I'm sorry it's so rough.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks.
Man, you and could be writing the same blog. I wrote many posts like what you just wrote when my young, vibrant uncle lay dying from random lung cancer. Not the same with your friend, of course, but I also didn't know how to deal with it, esp in the wake of losing my 20 week pgcy, blah blah blah.
ReplyDeleteWell, at least we're both not alone on this hell path. I also won't ever have a bio child either, and for no reason a doctor can tell me.
Fairness? Never heard of it.....
Sunny
I'm so sorry. For all of this.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you're still posting, on occasion; I'll be sure to check back. I'm thinking of you.
I'm so sorry about your friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
ReplyDeleteBlogiversaries can bring a lot of mixed emotions. I don't blame you for not being excited about yours.
Hugs.
LFCA