On Being an IVF Poster Child

So there's been a small brouhaha recently that's got me thinking. Basically, my online friend Sunshine got referred to (quite innocently) by a new-ish IF blogger as "the worst case scenario for IFers".

To be clear, she was talking about Sunshine's blog because she likes it so much. And she really meant no harm - in fact she thought she was doing a good deed by sending readers there.

Still, the brouhaha highlights something that probably deserves some air time.

To digress slightly for a second, let me tell you about something that happened when I was in college. I attended a college that had a student Honor Code. And there had been some major violations of it recently - mainly involving racial slurs - so we were having very serious, campus-wide meetings to discuss things. I was trying to make the point that it was possible to violate the spirit of the Honor Code, even if one didn't actually violate the letter of it. So as an example I used the only personal experience I had with this - namely, people playing their music ridiculously loud when it wasn't technically "quiet hours".

Oh my. My friends and fellow students who had been slurred (almost entirely African-American) went through the roof. How DARE I compare their entire race's persecution and suffering, for hundreds of years, to someone playing their music too loud? Of course, that's not at all what I was saying. And at the time I was pissed off and hurt that they were suggesting I had made such an offensive comparison. I've dated men of every major racial group, and loved them all. I volunteered to help campaign against apartheid (which of course gives you some idea of my age). One of the high points of my life was seeing Nelson Mandela speak shortly after he was freed from prison. I was furious that anyone would think I would say such a thing.

I have to say, though, they had a point. And after the dust cleared this ended up being one of the most important lessons I have ever learned in my life. In short, it is this:

Words matter.

Whatever you say, if it goes much beyond "Isn't the weather beautiful (or sucky)," it is going to be interpreted by - and is going to have an impact on - human beings. I'm not arguing for political correctness, which I think is a close-minded attempt to shut down dialogue and meaningful interaction. Rather, I'm saying that we need to be aware that our words have impact. We should think about what we're about to say, and how our audience will hear it, before we say it. And on those times we forget, or just don't know any better, and somebody gets upset, instead of getting defensive we need to say to the injured party "Oh, dear, that's not what I meant at all. Help me understand what hurt you, because if possible I'd rather not do it again."

Which brings me to being a poster child.

Here's a newsflash (forgive the sarcasm, it's meant mainly for my fellow IF vets): Infertility sucks. At whatever level you experience it. If it's Clomid that finally does the trick, thank God, but you've still been through a journey. If you have to move to IUI's - or even medicated IUI's - that's an even longer journey. And if it's IVF that finally gives you that take-home baby, you've been through things that the Clomid and IUI folks can't even wrap their head around.

However.

If you've battled infertility and ended up with a living baby that came out of you (whether it's genetically related to you or not), you are LUCKY. Yep, lucky. Despite the shots, the bruises, the stressful 2wws, the heartbreaking BFNs, even the losses, I still say, damned LUCKY.

See, the absolute best possible odds you can get with IVF (youth, no chromosomal issues, no clotting problems, no issues with implantation, lots of healthy eggs, abundant sperm with perfect morphology that swim like Michael Phelps) - the BEST possible odds are that 30% of IVFers - one in three - will go home WITHOUT a baby. Add in age, genetic translocations, bicornate uterus, abnormal sperm, lack of sperm, whatever you like... and the overall odds plummet. Well below 50%. Often as low as 5%.

My point is, IVF is not a magic bullet. Far from it. You may not want to think about this if you're just starting, but there are - guaranteed - LOTS of women out there who've been to hell and back trying to have a baby, and still they won't have a happy ending. This doesn't mean your struggles and difficulty don't count. It DOES mean that when you talk about your struggles and difficulty, please keep in mind who you're talking to.

So here's my little piece of sharing for the day: It really, truly sucks to be an IVF poster child. In fact, I'd argue that being a poster child for anything is pretty sucky. Thank God we've moved from the days of this to this. At least there's some dignity in it.

Now if we could just manage, as a society, to treat infertiles with the same kind of dignity.

OK. End cranky rant for the day.