Shh....

Don't tell anybody, but I'm poking around my blog again. :)

I apologize to all my blog friends for dropping off the face of the earth... and also for that fact that I'm still just not strong enough to rejoin the community in an active way. I'm very pleased that many of you have found success, but it's just too difficult for me to read about. I don't begrudge you your joy and anticipation in the slightest - you all have been through enough to deserve every drop of happiness and limelight and excitement and fussing over that you get. I just am not able - much as I would like to be - to be a part of it. I'll write more about this soon - I've been composing a post on this subject in my head - but for now I will just say that while I may not be reading and commenting, I am happy for all of you and wish you the very best.

As for me, I'm finding I need a place to let stuff out, muse and rage and - every now and then - try to hope for something good to happen. Since I'm not an active community member anymore, I do not at all expect people to follow and comment on what I write. If it moves you, of course, feel free - but at this point my blog is mainly for me (and maybe for a few souls whom life has pummeled enough that they can relate).

I'll say one last thing, which is that if anybody *does* feel like they want to leave a comment, I'll ask you to please not tell me things are going to work out, or be OK, or you know I'll find my child, or my child will find me, or I'm meant to be a mother, or anything like that. That may make you feel better, but it won't make me feel better. My challenge right now is to live in this moment, come to terms with having lost - if not everything, at least most of what I've ever dreamed of - and find a way to build and be happy in a new life that looks entirely different than anything I expected or hoped for. I'm not morose (at least most days), just realistic.

So all the best, and I may see some of you around -

Princess :)