No Yolk: Marking the Day

Friday, June 19, 2009

Marking the Day

Two years ago today I let my twins go. My son and my daughter.

I went to the cathedral today and lit two candles - one pink and one blue. They should burn all week. I don't pray these days, but it's nice to know the flames are burning, turning wax into carbon and sending it out into the air, even as I'm eating, sleeping, waking, working, blogging, resting.

When I lit the candles I cried, and all I could think of to say, over and over again, was "I'm sorry."

And I am. If I had it to do all over again I'd wait longer, but in the end I don't think I'd end up with a difference choice. But I'm still sorry. Sorry for not being able to give them a chance. Sorry for hurting them. Sorry they can't be with me. Sorry I can't hold them. Sorry for myself, for losing the only genetic children I'll ever have.

Just sorry.

19 comments:

'Murgdan'June 19, 2009 at 9:48 PM
I'm so sorry.
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ShannonJune 19, 2009 at 10:58 PM
And *I* am so, so sorry for your losses.
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BillyJune 19, 2009 at 11:53 PM
So sorry.
~hugs~
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battynurseJune 20, 2009 at 12:45 AM
I'm so sorry. What a hard day. Hugs to you and sending peaceful thoughts to you and warm wishes to your babies.
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KristinJune 20, 2009 at 9:15 AM
Oh honey, I am so sorry. I've read all you've written about this and I think you are right about there being no other choice but that doesn't stop the grief. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers from me.
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GenkicatJune 20, 2009 at 12:31 PM
What an impossibly hard day for you. I am so very sorry.
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AnonymousJune 20, 2009 at 3:38 PM
I'm sorry too. Thinking of you.
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DoraJune 20, 2009 at 5:31 PM
So sorry, hon. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. Keeping you and your twins in my thoughts.
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AnonymousJune 20, 2009 at 5:52 PM
I am so, so sorry. I hope you find some peace. Thinking of you.
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Martha@A Sense of Humor is EssentialJune 22, 2009 at 3:25 PM
Here from LFCA, so sorry for your loss on your much wanted, loved babies.
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Mrs. SpitJune 23, 2009 at 10:45 AM
You know what, whenever you have to make these choices, you do so knowing that there aren't good choices to make in these places. And I think we all wonder, just a bit, what if I had done things differently.

I'm sorry.
(lost and found)
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ShelliJune 23, 2009 at 11:47 AM
holding you.
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AnonymousJune 23, 2009 at 3:18 PM
I'm so sorry. ((((HUGS))))
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Mrs. ChopJune 23, 2009 at 5:46 PM
I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies. My heart aches for you -- I know the pain all too well because I had to terminate my much wanted IVF pregnancy too.
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QuiltingChaosJune 25, 2009 at 4:37 PM
I'm sorry...
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KristinJuly 1, 2009 at 11:02 PM
Thinking of you today and hoping you are ok.
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PhoebeJuly 3, 2009 at 10:30 AM
I'm so sorry. You aren't the only one who terminated a much wanted pregnancy. I too have been grieving my chance at having my own genetic children. I second guess myself, but in the end, I felt like it was totally out of my control. Nobody or nothing was going to help. Big hugs.
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AnonymousJuly 4, 2009 at 2:00 AM
I think Mrs. Spit said it most eloquently - sometimes there are no good choices to be made. I went for a CVS recently and found out I miscarried 4 weeks before. However, I can't say I would have done differently had I been given news like yours. God bless.

Rae
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PepperJuly 6, 2009 at 2:05 PM
Sending belated hugs to you and hoping that the burden gets a little lighter every day.
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My SMC Story

Currently: Trying to come to terms with my barren womb. Hoping adoption will work out better, but not really believing it yet.
June 2009: Stopped TTC, a.k.a. Gave Up, Said Fuck It, Threw In the Towel.
May 2009: IVF #5 (clomid + injectibles) - 3 ret, 2 fert, 2 tx - BFN
Mar 2009: IUI #12 (converted from IVF #4 [estrogen priming]) - BFN
Dec 2008: IUI #11 (natural) - BFN
Nov 2008: IVF #3 (MDL) - 3 ret, 1 fert, 0 tx - Cancelled
Sep 2008: IVF #2 (antagonist) - 2 ret, 1 fert, 1 tx - pos early HPT, but BFN
Jul 2008: IUI #10 (natural) - BFN
Jul 2008: IUI #9 (natural) - BFN
Jun 2008: ICI #1 (natural) - BFN
May 2008: IVF #1 (antagonist) - 3 ret, 3 fert, 3 tx - BFN
Apr 2008: IUI #8 (Clomid) - BFN
Feb 2008: IUI #7 (Follistim) - BFN
Jan 2008: IUI #6 (Follistim) - BFN
Sep 2007: IUI #5 (Follistim) - BFN
Apr 2007: IUI #4 (Follistim) - BFP twins, terminated at 13 weeks for medical reasons
Mar 2007: IUI #3 (natural) - BFN
Feb 2007: IUI #2 (natural) - BFN
Jan 2007: IUI #1 (natural) - BFN

Acronyms & Jargon

0-9

2ww: Two Week Wait (the period of uncertainty between ovulation and a pregnancy test).

AF: Aunt Flo (menstruation).

Antagonist: A drug that delays or prevents ovulation (an IVF protocol).

Baby Dust: Vulgar. A term often used by clueless fertiles and people just starting down the IF path. Wished upon another TTCer, it is meant as encouragement but is often perceived (especially by Vets) as condescending, patronizing and generally creepy.

Beta: HCG Beta (a blood pregnancy test).

BFN: Big F'ing Negative (a negative pregnancy test).

BFP: Big F'ing Positive (a positive pregnancy test).

Bravelle: A brand of injectible FSH.

BTW: By The Way.

BW/US: Bloodwork and ultrasound (see Monitoring).

CD: Cycle Day (the day of the menstrual cycle, in which menstruation begins on CD1).

CF: Child free living (the alternative to adoption, when infertility treatment fails).

Chemical: A very early miscarriage, in which the pregnancy is detectable only chemically (via a pregnancy test).

Clomid: A drug in pill form, used on its own or in conjunction with injectible medications to cause ovarian hyperstimulation.

Cyst: A fluid-filled sac, on or near the ovary, that does not contain a developing egg.

Dildocam: See "Wand."

DOR: Diminished Ovarian Reserve.

E2: Estradiol (a form of estrogen; a blood level above 75 can indicate the presence of ovarian cysts and/or compromised fertility).

Estrogen Patch: A pharmaceutical patch that delivers estrogen; used in Estrogen Priming.

Estrogen Priming: The use of estrogen to suppress FSH and prime the body for ovarian hyperstimulation (an IVF protocol).

ETA: Edited To Add.

Follicle: The sac of fluid that surrounds each developing egg on an ovary; typically must reach 18-20mm in size before they can be considered mature (ready to ovulate).

Follie: See "Follicle."

Follistim: A brand of injectible FSH.

FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone (a hormone produced by the body that may also be injected to cause ovarian hyperstimulation; a blood level above 10 usually indicates compromised fertility).

Gonal-F: A brand of injectible FSH.

HCG: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (the pregnancy hormone produced by an embryo after it implants in the uterus; also used as an injection to trigger ovulation).

HPT: Home Pregnancy Test (a urine pregnancy test).

HSG: Hysterosalpingogram; an x-ray test where dye is injected into the uterus to check for uterine irregularities or blockages in the fallopian tubes.

ICI: Intracervical Insemination (the turkey baster method).

IF: Infertility, infertile.

IM: Intramuscular (an injection given using a long needle, directly into the muscle of the buttocks or thighs).

IRL: In Real Life.

IUI: Intrauterine Insemination (direct introduction of sperm into the uterus via a catheter).

IVF: In Vitro Fertilization (embryos created via egg and sperm outside the body, then reintroduced into the uterus).

Karyotype: A person's chromosomal makeup; a test that examines a person's chromosomes for abnormalities.

LH: Luteneizing Hormone (a hormone that rises dramatically just before ovulation).

Line: The line (usually pink) that appears on a home pregnancy test to indicate pregnancy. Usually referred to by its absence, meaning a negative test, as in "single line," "no line," "damn pink line," etc.

Lupron: A drug that can be used in high doses to shut down the ovaries, or in low doses to stimulate the ovaries and/or prevent ovulation.

MDL: Microdose Lupron (an IVF protocol).

Monitoring: Blood tests and ultrasound examinations performed every day or every few days during an assisted reproduction cycle to monitor the progress of ovarian hyperstimulation.

Motility: The percentage of sperm in a sample that are actively swimming (motile).

Natural: A cycle that does not use drugs to cause ovarian hyperstimulation.

Novarel: A brand of injectible HCG used to trigger ovulation.

OPK: Ovulation Predictor Kit (a home urine test that detects early signs of ovulation).

Ovarian Hyperstimulation: The use of drugs to cause the ovaries to produce more than one egg per month.

Ovidrel: A brand of injectible HCG used to trigger ovulation.

Ovulation: The release of one or more mature eggs by the ovaries.

Paraovarian: Located near but outside the ovary, as in a paraovarian cyst.

P2: Progesterone (a hormone produced after ovulation and needed for an embryo to implant and grow in the uterus; a drug given during the 2WW).

PG: Pregnant.

PIO: Progesterone in Oil (the injectible form of progesterone).

POAS: Pee on a Stick (the act of using an HPT; may also refer to the use of an OPK).

Protocol: The timing and medication plan for an IVF cycle.

PUPO: Vulgar. Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (one's state during the 2ww). See "Baby Dust".

RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist (a fertility doctor).

Retrieval: A minor surgical procedure in which eggs are removed from the ovaries in order to be fertilized for IVF.

Sharps: Used syringes.

Stims: Medication used in ovarian hyperstimulation; the phase of an IVF cycle that involves daily injections of medication.

SMC: Single Mother by Choice.

SOL: Shit out of luck. As in, screwed.

Sub-Q: Subcutaneous (an injection given using a short needle, into the layer of fat beneath the skin of the belly or thighs).

Surge: The dramatic rise in LH, detected via blood test, that signals the beginning of ovulation.

Total Motile: The total number of actively swimming sperm in a given sample.

Transfer: The placing of one or more fertilized embryos into the uterus at the end of an IVF cycle.

Trigger: A drug that causes ovulation; the act of injecting a drug to cause ovulation.

TTC: Trying to Conceive.

Tx: Transfer.

Vet: Veteran. A woman who has typically been through multiple failed IVF procedures and/or pregnancy losses, and who has been so beaten down by IF that she finds "positivity" and success stories unhelpful, irrelevant and even offensive. Generally also accompanied by snark, a black sense of humor and a penchant for drinking.

Wand: The instrument used to probe the uterus and ovaries during a transvaginal ultrasound; the act of performing a transvaginal ultrasound.

WTF: What the fuck. Sorry, but that's what it means.

Even more acronyms, if you just can't get enough...

Friday, June 19, 2009

Marking the Day

19 comments:

About Me

Older Posts

Idiocracy

Somebody's Mom

My Aunt Jane

Adopters and CF
(for one reason or another)

Other Cool People
(mostly TTC, PG & parents via pg)

Best Posts of All Time

The Master List

My Diagnostics

My SMC Story

Acronyms & Jargon

Friday, June 19, 2009

Marking the Day

19 comments:

About Me

Older Posts

Idiocracy

Somebody's Mom

My Aunt Jane

Adopters and CF(for one reason or another)

Other Cool People(mostly TTC, PG & parents via pg)

Best Posts of All Time

The Master List

My Diagnostics

My SMC Story

Acronyms & Jargon

Adopters and CF
(for one reason or another)

Other Cool People
(mostly TTC, PG & parents via pg)