So this isn't going to be very long, but I figured it was better to write *something* than just to stay silent.
I am tired beyond words. Starting to kick off adoption, but it's such a huge hill to climb, and there's so much to learn. Embryo donation or egg donation is tempting, but I can't afford the latter and the former seems almost exclusively anonymous. Trying to decide if I can deal with the whole anonymous thing. It's not what I prefer, but the only open embryo adoptions I've seen either cost almost as much as an IVF or else have so many restrictions that I just don't qualify.
Missed the call from the RE today that would have told me what protocol he's chosen. Hopefully we'll be able to connect tomorrow. I am very "so what" about the whole thing, to be honest. There is really no way it's going to work. But I know myself, and if I don't at least try I will always wonder.
I just am in a place where nothing matters. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to stay in bed. Nothing is surprising or interesting or exciting. Pure anhedonia. Which is fricking exhausting. And boring. For me and for everybody around me.
I wish I could turn the clock forward and make it May, so I could go on my nice, long vacation. But there's too much to do before then - work, freelance work, adoption agency research, cycling prep, donor embie investigation, blah, blah, blah.
Where in the world is my fighter spirit? Where did she go? I miss her :(
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
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Honey...your fighter spirit is in there. She's just overwhelmed right now. Wish I could do something to make it better for you. {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteI've been there. Everything seems like TMW - too much work - and not worth the effort. Nothing is interesting or fun.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely in need of a vacation! It will get better. Just push through these next few weeks and then go on your vacation and forget all of it. It will be pure bliss!
Hang in there.
I so understand this. Right now I wish I just knew if it was going to work or not and I could get on with my life. I'm so tired of this.
ReplyDeletewww.spence-chapin.org they're awesome. really. and loving, and cheaper than the $ we spent trying to get me knocked up!
ReplyDeleteSorry you are going through a rough time. It will get better, I just know it.
ReplyDeleteSending tons of support a big fat hugs.
Just no getting around how hard this all is. Sorry. How about Miracles Waiting for open embryo donation. $100 to list yourself or be able to contact donors isn't very much.
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking of you.
You might also look into embryo donation through fertility clinics. This one does it, and the embryos are free and the cycle is cheaper because you don't go through the stims:
ReplyDeletewww.ivf1.com (go to services offered). It is also anonymous, but I really think (hope?) the laws will be changed soon.