Locked and Loaded

OK, now, I ask you, does this not look like a round of ammo?



These are my new progesterone suppositories, which finally arrived today after two days of back and forth between me, the clinic and the pharmacy. After a little detective work, I lay blame squarely at the feet of the clinic, who are one hell of a lot more organized for IVFs than they are for IUIs. I swear I feel like a second-class citizen. But it's sorted out now, and tonight I get to figure out how to use these charming little... whatever they are.

BTW, did you know that the rationale for using PIO for IVF but only suppositories for an IUI is that with an IVF the corpus luteum comes out when they aspirate the follicle, so there's no natural progesterone production at all afterwards. Whereas with an IUI you actually ovulate, which means the little guy is left behind doing its progesterone-producing job so the need for supplementation is lower. Yeah, me neither. Kinda interesting.

I'm in a weird mood today. I made the mistake of looking at one of my IRA statements yesterday, and discovered that it's now worth exactly 47% of what it was a year ago. It's one thing to say you've lost half your retirement fund, but another thing to see it on paper. Plus everybody's talking about falling home prices in NYC, which is also terrifying. Plus we did have the layoffs at work, and while I survived, my (internal) client's boss didn't, which makes me wonder if I'll have a project to work on come Spring. Plus I read an article this morning on how hard it is to adopt, and what a tiny percentage of adopted children (1.7%, I believe was the number) are healthy Caucasian infants. Not that I need a Caucasian child, but I do want healthy and I do want an infant. So that's worrying me too.

Anyway, I'm not someone who does very well with ambiguity or insecurity - especially these days - so I'm pretty unsettled.

Meanwhile, this is the 2ww that wasn't. For the most part I'm assuming this is a no go (which of course my acupuncturist tells me is *totally* the wrong attitude) so I'm pretty mellow about it. I guess there's some hope in there somewhere - today I was mentally rearranging my second bedroom (minus my roommate's stuff, of course) into a nursery. But for the most part I'm just waiting it out until I can scrape together some more meds and try again.

I just feel so incredibly tired lately. Seems every time I think I've never felt - and couldn't possibly feel - more exhausted, it gets worse. I'm just drained by the past three years, I think. Running out of oomph. I need a vacation, but I don't really think it's something a vacation can fix. I'm not sure what can, to be honest. A long stretch of good times, maybe... which is pretty unlikely. So I just keep on muddling through.