The Good Witch

It's always weird to me when the arrival of AF is something I celebrate. But in this case, it is.

She surprised me. Normally my cycles are pretty predictable - 27-28 days, with an early surge and a long luteal phase. This time I had the early surge, sure enough, on CD10... but now she's arrived on CD25.

I'm assuming it's the estrogen patches, but hey.

So I go in tomorrow (Sunday) for bloods and a dildocam. Then if all looks good, I'll be shooting up tomorrow night. Wheeee!

I've been having some down days lately. Not quite paralyzed like I get sometimes (except in the morning - I'm always paralyzed in the morning) but just anxious and feeling worthless. Work is tough at the moment - I'm in financial services and we're going through our fifth round of layoffs in the past year and a half. Just found out yesterday that our department gets hit in two weeks - just in time for my retrieval/transfer, should I be so lucky. I try not to let it get to me - there's nothing I can do about it anyway. But it still makes me anxious.

I'm also not feeling in the best, most productive place at work these days. My job is full of ambiguity, which I'm finding I tolerate less and less well as the years go on. I find myself surfing the web... a LOT... or spacing out, or paying bills, instead of figuring out what the hell I should be doing next (since that is never obvious). It makes me feel really useless and crappy. And I sit in meetings and most of what people say goes over my head - partly because I am a designer, not a programmer, and most of the meetings are in programmerese - but also partly because I really don't know quite as much as I should about the technical side of things, and partly because my brain is mush and I can't focus on anything but reproductive endocrinology for any length of time anymore. Honestly, I think *I* might fire me. But I do turn out unusually good work, when I finally buckle down to it, so that may save me in the end.

Still, there are a lot of days lately when I look longingly at the baristas at Starbucks, or the sandwich makers at Cosi. I mean, at least they know for sure what they're supposed to be doing, and how, and it's very clear if they've done it right or wrong, and how they can do it better.

Maybe it's just that the whole rest of my life is such a giant sinkhole of ambiguity (i.e., cycling, which at this point IS the whole rest of my life). If that were resolved maybe my tolerance for ambiguity at work would be better, I don't know.

In any case, work angst aside, I'm finally at the starting line. Assuming I get the right color flag tomorrow morning, I'll update you from the racetrack!