Limbo

Having a very blah day today. Got up at 6:30 to watch the baby while my roommate did an online tutorial, so I ended up napping most of the afternoon. So now it's evening and I'm both antsy and sleepy. Ugh.

My life has gotten so small at this point that all I really think about is IF - mine, other people's, what to eat, what not to eat, what I'm doing to my ovaries by eating (or drinking) it anyway, what is Plan B, what is Plan C, how to pay for treatment. So when I'm in between cycles - especially with a long wait like this one - it's sort of like my entire life is on hold.

In theology Limbo is on the edge of Hell. It's also the place where innocent but unsaved people wait before they can enter Heaven. So I guess I could think of this period as either hellish or just a prelude to something wonderful. Hope eludes me these days, however. And unless the hypnotherapist does something amazing, I just can't imagine being able to see this cycle as anything but a task that has to be completed in order for me to be able to move on. So the prelude to Heaven option seems pretty farfetched at the moment.

You know, hope is a really fickle friend. It keeps us going, but makes us vulnerable to hurt. I suppose that's one of the great truths of life - that in order to experience anything wonderful we have to be open to hurt. I hate that part. I've been hurt too many times, in too many ways, so I've gotten extremely good at protecting myself. In fact, *not* protecting myself feels just plain stupid. So I have a really hard time trying to open up to hope. But then, the older I get, the more I realize that shutting myself off from life isn't the answer either.

Hope and get hurt, or give up and live without joy. I know which one is the lesser of two evils. So why is it so hard to choose it?