No Yolk: Guilty as charged

Friday, December 12, 2008

Guilty as charged

My acupuncturist is back from maternity leave today.

I am kind of looking forward to seeing her, although I have to say I really have come to love the acupuncturist who was covering for her. Not sure how I'm going to work that one out - maybe I'll alternate and see both of them. Anyway. My point is that I am just KIND OF looking forward to seeing her. I wish I was REALLY looking forward to seeing her. I WANT TO WANT to hear all about the baby. But the fact is, I'd rather she just not mention it.

I feel like such a bad friend to my friends who have had success. The thing is, I really am happy for them. Truly. And I'm pulling for all of my TTC friends to succeed, regardless of what happens to me. It's just that once they do succeed, it becomes painful to listen to the details.

What kind of person wants people to succeed, but can't share the joy of their success?

You know, one of the really shitty things about IF is how it makes you feel bad on so many levels - first pain, then guilt.

3 comments:

KristinDecember 12, 2008 at 2:18 PM
Welcome to the blogosphere. Wishing you the very best of luck with this cycle.
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Lady NunnDecember 12, 2008 at 4:21 PM
Hi there. :) I just ran across your blog from your comment over at the fertile infertile. i keep a few blogs online. one for my crafts, one for my family photos, one for my preemie present project, and another i don't tell anyone irl about about my uterus which i hate very much. ij ust recently wrote about exactly what you are saying. i'm dysfertile, if that is a word, in that i'm not technically infertile my body just kills babies or comes close, and i'm not supposed to have more because of my recently found disorder. regardles, i find that no matter where you are in the struggling to become a parent spectrum (even if not for the first time) the pain is horrendous and laced with guilt. my journal of this sort is over at nunnthewiser.wordpress.com. you aren't alone in the Suck. Nothing but best wishes to you, and hope for your path.
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DoraDecember 12, 2008 at 5:17 PM
Stop with the guilt, girl! These feelings are normal under the circumstances.

Whatcha drinkin'?
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My SMC Story

Currently: Trying to come to terms with my barren womb. Hoping adoption will work out better, but not really believing it yet.
June 2009: Stopped TTC, a.k.a. Gave Up, Said Fuck It, Threw In the Towel.
May 2009: IVF #5 (clomid + injectibles) - 3 ret, 2 fert, 2 tx - BFN
Mar 2009: IUI #12 (converted from IVF #4 [estrogen priming]) - BFN
Dec 2008: IUI #11 (natural) - BFN
Nov 2008: IVF #3 (MDL) - 3 ret, 1 fert, 0 tx - Cancelled
Sep 2008: IVF #2 (antagonist) - 2 ret, 1 fert, 1 tx - pos early HPT, but BFN
Jul 2008: IUI #10 (natural) - BFN
Jul 2008: IUI #9 (natural) - BFN
Jun 2008: ICI #1 (natural) - BFN
May 2008: IVF #1 (antagonist) - 3 ret, 3 fert, 3 tx - BFN
Apr 2008: IUI #8 (Clomid) - BFN
Feb 2008: IUI #7 (Follistim) - BFN
Jan 2008: IUI #6 (Follistim) - BFN
Sep 2007: IUI #5 (Follistim) - BFN
Apr 2007: IUI #4 (Follistim) - BFP twins, terminated at 13 weeks for medical reasons
Mar 2007: IUI #3 (natural) - BFN
Feb 2007: IUI #2 (natural) - BFN
Jan 2007: IUI #1 (natural) - BFN

Acronyms & Jargon

0-9

2ww: Two Week Wait (the period of uncertainty between ovulation and a pregnancy test).

AF: Aunt Flo (menstruation).

Antagonist: A drug that delays or prevents ovulation (an IVF protocol).

Baby Dust: Vulgar. A term often used by clueless fertiles and people just starting down the IF path. Wished upon another TTCer, it is meant as encouragement but is often perceived (especially by Vets) as condescending, patronizing and generally creepy.

Beta: HCG Beta (a blood pregnancy test).

BFN: Big F'ing Negative (a negative pregnancy test).

BFP: Big F'ing Positive (a positive pregnancy test).

Bravelle: A brand of injectible FSH.

BTW: By The Way.

BW/US: Bloodwork and ultrasound (see Monitoring).

CD: Cycle Day (the day of the menstrual cycle, in which menstruation begins on CD1).

CF: Child free living (the alternative to adoption, when infertility treatment fails).

Chemical: A very early miscarriage, in which the pregnancy is detectable only chemically (via a pregnancy test).

Clomid: A drug in pill form, used on its own or in conjunction with injectible medications to cause ovarian hyperstimulation.

Cyst: A fluid-filled sac, on or near the ovary, that does not contain a developing egg.

Dildocam: See "Wand."

DOR: Diminished Ovarian Reserve.

E2: Estradiol (a form of estrogen; a blood level above 75 can indicate the presence of ovarian cysts and/or compromised fertility).

Estrogen Patch: A pharmaceutical patch that delivers estrogen; used in Estrogen Priming.

Estrogen Priming: The use of estrogen to suppress FSH and prime the body for ovarian hyperstimulation (an IVF protocol).

ETA: Edited To Add.

Follicle: The sac of fluid that surrounds each developing egg on an ovary; typically must reach 18-20mm in size before they can be considered mature (ready to ovulate).

Follie: See "Follicle."

Follistim: A brand of injectible FSH.

FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone (a hormone produced by the body that may also be injected to cause ovarian hyperstimulation; a blood level above 10 usually indicates compromised fertility).

Gonal-F: A brand of injectible FSH.

HCG: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (the pregnancy hormone produced by an embryo after it implants in the uterus; also used as an injection to trigger ovulation).

HPT: Home Pregnancy Test (a urine pregnancy test).

HSG: Hysterosalpingogram; an x-ray test where dye is injected into the uterus to check for uterine irregularities or blockages in the fallopian tubes.

ICI: Intracervical Insemination (the turkey baster method).

IF: Infertility, infertile.

IM: Intramuscular (an injection given using a long needle, directly into the muscle of the buttocks or thighs).

IRL: In Real Life.

IUI: Intrauterine Insemination (direct introduction of sperm into the uterus via a catheter).

IVF: In Vitro Fertilization (embryos created via egg and sperm outside the body, then reintroduced into the uterus).

Karyotype: A person's chromosomal makeup; a test that examines a person's chromosomes for abnormalities.

LH: Luteneizing Hormone (a hormone that rises dramatically just before ovulation).

Line: The line (usually pink) that appears on a home pregnancy test to indicate pregnancy. Usually referred to by its absence, meaning a negative test, as in "single line," "no line," "damn pink line," etc.

Lupron: A drug that can be used in high doses to shut down the ovaries, or in low doses to stimulate the ovaries and/or prevent ovulation.

MDL: Microdose Lupron (an IVF protocol).

Monitoring: Blood tests and ultrasound examinations performed every day or every few days during an assisted reproduction cycle to monitor the progress of ovarian hyperstimulation.

Motility: The percentage of sperm in a sample that are actively swimming (motile).

Natural: A cycle that does not use drugs to cause ovarian hyperstimulation.

Novarel: A brand of injectible HCG used to trigger ovulation.

OPK: Ovulation Predictor Kit (a home urine test that detects early signs of ovulation).

Ovarian Hyperstimulation: The use of drugs to cause the ovaries to produce more than one egg per month.

Ovidrel: A brand of injectible HCG used to trigger ovulation.

Ovulation: The release of one or more mature eggs by the ovaries.

Paraovarian: Located near but outside the ovary, as in a paraovarian cyst.

P2: Progesterone (a hormone produced after ovulation and needed for an embryo to implant and grow in the uterus; a drug given during the 2WW).

PG: Pregnant.

PIO: Progesterone in Oil (the injectible form of progesterone).

POAS: Pee on a Stick (the act of using an HPT; may also refer to the use of an OPK).

Protocol: The timing and medication plan for an IVF cycle.

PUPO: Vulgar. Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (one's state during the 2ww). See "Baby Dust".

RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist (a fertility doctor).

Retrieval: A minor surgical procedure in which eggs are removed from the ovaries in order to be fertilized for IVF.

Sharps: Used syringes.

Stims: Medication used in ovarian hyperstimulation; the phase of an IVF cycle that involves daily injections of medication.

SMC: Single Mother by Choice.

SOL: Shit out of luck. As in, screwed.

Sub-Q: Subcutaneous (an injection given using a short needle, into the layer of fat beneath the skin of the belly or thighs).

Surge: The dramatic rise in LH, detected via blood test, that signals the beginning of ovulation.

Total Motile: The total number of actively swimming sperm in a given sample.

Transfer: The placing of one or more fertilized embryos into the uterus at the end of an IVF cycle.

Trigger: A drug that causes ovulation; the act of injecting a drug to cause ovulation.

TTC: Trying to Conceive.

Tx: Transfer.

Vet: Veteran. A woman who has typically been through multiple failed IVF procedures and/or pregnancy losses, and who has been so beaten down by IF that she finds "positivity" and success stories unhelpful, irrelevant and even offensive. Generally also accompanied by snark, a black sense of humor and a penchant for drinking.

Wand: The instrument used to probe the uterus and ovaries during a transvaginal ultrasound; the act of performing a transvaginal ultrasound.

WTF: What the fuck. Sorry, but that's what it means.

Even more acronyms, if you just can't get enough...

Friday, December 12, 2008

Guilty as charged

3 comments:

About Me

Older Posts

Idiocracy

Somebody's Mom

My Aunt Jane

Adopters and CF
(for one reason or another)

Other Cool People
(mostly TTC, PG & parents via pg)

Best Posts of All Time

The Master List

My Diagnostics

My SMC Story

Acronyms & Jargon

Friday, December 12, 2008

Guilty as charged

3 comments:

About Me

Older Posts

Idiocracy

Somebody's Mom

My Aunt Jane

Adopters and CF(for one reason or another)

Other Cool People(mostly TTC, PG & parents via pg)

Best Posts of All Time

The Master List

My Diagnostics

My SMC Story

Acronyms & Jargon

Adopters and CF
(for one reason or another)

Other Cool People
(mostly TTC, PG & parents via pg)